Teagan Presley

Teagan Presley has that great pre-headshaved, post mouse ears Britney Spears vibe, which is what I look for in prom dates, mother figures and porn stars. As you can see from this pic, she also has her own bodyguard, possibly the secret sixth member of 80s rock gods, Faith No More.

The Britts look goes deeper for our Teagan, check the bizarre painting of fellow Mousekeeter and probably sexier musician Christian Aguilera on the right. I’m pretty sure Teagan draws her strength from looking at this work of art, remembering the days when her non-porn lookalikee battled in the charts against Christina and actually helped her career.

She hasn’t done much recently, but I’m thinking of writing to Teagan and suggesting she ruins dubstep as a next career move. I’ll even help her, as long as she comes as my date to my kid’s prom next month.

Monica Mattos

Many of you will be well acquainted with this Brazilian bombshell, Monica Mattos

No, you’re the whore

Monica may look innocent, but she has done things which make 2 girls 1 cup look like an after school special.

She kind of has that girl next door thing going on, well,  if the girl next door participated in gangbangs and took multiple cum shots to the face. Luckily, mine did.

Unlike others of her ilk, Monica has a special place in my heart. When I was 12 I constructed a rudimentary self-asphyxiation apparatus involving a belt, rope and buzz light year.

I’ll never forget the look on my mother’s face when she walked in and saw me tugging away mid air and rosy cheeked. She didn’t want me to go the way of David Carradine so she called my father to come and hold my legs. After he let me finish I thanked him, although nothing says thank you for saving my life better than your son’s pre-pubescent penis and balls slapping against your forehead.

Faye Reagan

Let’s hope Faye Regan already knows she’s too pretty for porn because she worked as a model for American Apparel.

There’s no joy in searching for a nip slip or camel toe in the American Apparel catalogue when you’ve already wasted invested the best part of your twenties watching the model shaved and splayed twelve different ways on FUQ.

Unless you like pretending you’ve got your own customised DeLoran and you’ve used it to go back to1978 when leafing through your mum’s catalogues and watching the opening credits of Wonder Woman with a cushion on your lap felt like having liquid sex* injected straight into your eyes.

You’re doing it now aren’t you? Well let me tell you something, in 1978 Faye was minus ten years old. She doesn’t even exist yet. Get her out of your head. You make me sick.

*liquid sex does not mean jizz.

Rebecca Linares

It’s only right that this blog’s first entry feature a pornstar so pretty that her aww factor  is higher than a baby seal cuddling a terminally ill kitten.

I am of course, writing about Rebecca Linares.

                            I’m much lovlier than you

Just look at her, isn’t she lovely? She is isn’t she, and she fucking knows it.

As much as I enjoy ejaculating into my flat mate’s sock as I rub one out to this Spanish temptress, I can’t help but feel she could have been so much more.  I like to imagine her playing Bella in Twilight, safe in the strong embrace of Edward Cullen. Nothing can touch her, not when he’s with her.

Unfortunately this sometimes throws me into a jealous rage, why is she with Edward Cullen and not me? Does he think he’s better than me? Well Eddie,  you’re not, you’re just a massive blood-sucking chode.